Episode 11: If I Wanted Your Opinion, I'd Ask

We've all been in a situation where someone offers completely unsolicited advice. In this podcast I share a few stories and talk about the research which points to controlling tendencies. 

Life is full of amazing lessons if you are open to them. In this self-love, betterment and relationship podcast you will find stories of inspiration, relationships and community. I hope that as you share in my journey and those of my featured guests, you will feel inspired to take on the world even when you are too exhausted to find north. Life is about lessons, belonging and authenticity. The best self improvement podcast is about knowing there is growth in every encounter, having the courage to live life on your own terms, creating a path where there isn't one, and knowing you are limitless.  

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Transcript

Hello and welcome to Feisty Mermaids, if you are joining us for the first time, this show is a place where we explore topics to help you unleash the power of the mermaid within. We talk about self-love, relationships and the roadblocks which often stop us from becoming limitless.

In today’s topic we are going to talk about unsolicited advice. You know exactly what I am talking about. It’s that friend or family member that offers you advice and you haven’t asked for their counsel or opinion. 

I don’t know about you, but that drives me bananas! We are going to explore this topic, I will share some stories and the psychology behind it. This and more here on Feisty Mermaids!

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When I started the podcast, I was of course super excited. I started getting messages from friends and family telling me they were proud and that what I was doing was a good thing. I felt empowered and energized. Even though I was doing this for me, it was nice to be encouraged.

Then I got one message from an acquaintance on social media from someone I haven’t spoken to in a long time. The message was critical of me posting about my podcast on my personal social media and also said, and I quote, “by the way your music is cheesy as shit.”

WOW! That was bold! Nasty, and downright rude.

I knew there would be people who didn’t care for my work - and I am fine with that. I have a niche podcast, blog and clothing, and it’s not bound to be everyone’s cup of tea.

I thought about what to do and how I should respond. And as you can imagine, all kinds of “Unbuddah” thoughts were running through my head. I’ll tell you how I handled the situation towards the end, but the situation got me thinking about how many times people have given me unsolicited advice, and how many times I’ve given unsolicited advice.

I did some reading on the topic and found some very interesting articles. In one article in Psychology Today, Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Seth Meyers outlines why people give unsolicited advice. He observes that alpha type people are most often advice givers. He notes that they tend to:

1. Be rigid in the way they approach life;
2. Have a grandiose sense of self;
3. Lack the awareness of their motivation

Huh, based on what I remember of the person sending me the message with the unsolicited advice, I would say all three apply. 

Now let’s face it, I think all of us have given unsolicited advice from time to time. And for the most part, people are well intentioned and are coming from a good place when offering it. 

However, in an article I read on VeryWellMind.com, the researchers point to a need for emotional validation and personal power as another reason people offer advice. They suggest if someone engages in this behaviour constantly, it may be a result of growing up in an environment where expressing their emotions was punished or ignored, leading to a need for emotional validation. They may seek to deal with uncomfortable feelings through external validation.

So how do you deal with someone who is constantly offering advice without you asking? 

Boundaries are a good place to start. 

We can probably do an entire podcast on boundaries (or a series actually!), and we will explore some concepts in other episodes, but setting a boundary with someone in a gentle way is a healthy way to communicate you didn’t ask for their opinion and that you will reach out if you decide you need it.

Last summer I had to pressure wash the driveway. Some of you may remember part of the story from Podcast 2 when I talked about kindness and how it ripples out into the world. Well, while pressure washing the driveway, a neighbor stopped by several times to warn me about the dangers of using the machine. Of course it was hot (I live in Florida) and I took on the task wearing a bathing suit and barefoot. He constantly offered me advice on proper footwear and shared stories of people ripping their toes off with the machine or causing serious injuries. 

I knew he was coming from a good place, but after the third time of unsolicited advice I got a little irritated. So I thanked him for his advice and told him I would let him know if I needed any help to accomplish the task and would seek his advice if I needed any additional safety tips. 

A gentle statement like that maintained a civil conversation and I didn’t hold on to any resentment. If I would have taken his comments personally and put my feminist hat on, I would have created stories in my head about how he thinks women are incompetent and unable to complete a “man’s job”.

By setting boundaries, you are in control. It was extremely insightful to read the book, Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I’ll put the link to the book on my blog - and I can tell you it has helped me set firm boundaries in so many areas of my life.

It also helped me see the times when I was the one giving unsolicited advice. I didn’t think I was guilty of it, but I was. 

So now I make it a point to ask someone I am having a conversation with if they would be open to my advice or guidance. I’ve learned it is well within their right to refuse to hear information I may have to share, and I don’t dwell on it. After all, we all have a path, and honestly most of us don’t take advice anyway and end up learning things the hard way.

I’ve put this concept into practice in romantic relationships and with my daughter.  By asking if they would welcome my advice it helps empower them versus me wanting to take control of the situation and wanting to fix a problem. It allows me to keep my ego in check and examine the motivation behind offering what I think is great wisdom.

A few months ago a friend of mine was in the process of moving to a different city. Having relocated a few times in my life within the US and to Europe, I’ve learned a thing or two on the subject. As an example, living in Florida, the tax structure is very different from other states in the US - mainly because of the amount of tourism, and therefore we don’t pay a state tax in Florida. I think it is a little different in Europe though. But nonetheless, taxes are a consideration when you are moving anywhere.

Anyway, I could tell my friend had no clue how much more expensive the cost of living was going to be in the new city. 

I really wanted to take control of the conversation and run through a list of expenses he needed to be prepared for. I kind of started to, but quickly realized what I was doing. I was offering completely unsolicited advice. 

Instead, I asked my ego to take a break and held the conversation with my friend by asking a few curious questions. I said, oh, “I don’t know much about the city where you are going. What’s the tax structure like? Do they have a state tax?” to which he didn’t have an answer. He didn’t even know there was a state tax in other states! 

I smiled inside, because I knew it wasn’t my job to share the information or to quickly do a Google search to use a cost of living calculator… it simply wasn’t my lesson.

So how did I respond to the person who sent me the unsolicited message about my podcast..?

Well, I opted not to engage. I wasn’t avoiding them or running away, I have simply determined there are people whose unsolicited advice I do want to hear. Anyone outside that list is simply noise pollution. This person’s opinion didn’t matter and I would not make a production decision for my show based on their comment. The fact is, I’d love to hire a composer to create a unique intro, but for now, I am totally fine with my jingle. 

I’d love to hear your stories of unsolicited advice. How are you drawing boundaries? Or are you the one giving the advice that nobody wants to hear? Let me know! Connect with me on social media @FeistyMermaids on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Don’t forget to visit and subscribe to my website for the latest blogs, podcasts and clothes You can find it at feistymermaids.com

I will leave you with this quote:

“Sometimes the advice you give other people, is the advice you need to follow.”

Thank you for being here. See you next time.