Podcast 9: Reaching Out, Reconnecting and Being Vulnerable
Hi everyone. Today I want to talk about the vulnerability surrounding the act of reaching out to someone who you’ve lost touch with.
I am going to share two stories with you, one that has a happy ending and the other one which does not.
The first story starts in high school and college, where I was BFFs with this awesome merman.
We spent everyday at each other’s houses, took classes together and always talked about how cool it would be the day we each had kids and they got to play together.
I got married first and a few years later he did.
We were both at each other's weddings, and our parents saw us as members of the family.
I ended up separating from my partner and my friend’s wife became suspicious of our friendship, often insinuating it was impossible for a guy and a girl to “just be friends.”
To that, I say, “how you live is how you judge”.... And we can talk about that more in a different podcast.
He was not allowed to hang out with me, so he would check-in when his wife was out of town.
(which made me uncomfortable as it could really give the impression of something inappropriate taking place).
We fought one night and stopped talking.
8 years went by and I often thought of him.
I missed our friendship.
I now had a daughter and thought about our kids getting to know each other - I knew he had two sons, and I wondered if they would get along.
So I decided to reach out. I was scared of rejection and of being vulnerable.
What if he said ugly things to me?
What if he didn’t respond?
What if he didn’t remember me?
But our friendship was too beautiful not to find out,
and I didn’t want to live with the regret and the “what if.”
I wasn’t sure I had his phone number, so I crafted a message via Facebook Messenger.
I thought about my intentions and I truly just wanted to just say hello and to make sure he was OK.
My message was respectful, knowing he had a wife who didn’t think highly of me.
He answered within minutes, and he apologized for the night we fought. He took responsibility for pushing me away and said he never forgot me.
I cried.
I learned that he was in the midst of a divorce and ironically we reconnected at a time when we both needed our friendship the most.
We agreed to get together, and one night he picked me up at my parents house for dinner, and I felt like I was in high school again.
It was like we’d seen each other the day before. Now, our kids play together, we bake cookies during the holidays and go on hikes.
It’s even more beautiful than anything we imagined as teenagers.
Research
I recently read an article in the NY Times about the pandemic and how people are reaching out more and more to people whom they’ve lost touch with.
The important thing the article cautions, is to understand your intentions before making contact.
I thought about this, and I also thought about the consequences that come from reaching out.
I also read an article on Bustle about how to reach out to a friend when it’s been a while.
They offer 7 ways to do this while understanding that people’s journeys may have been different during the lapsed time and to acknowledging that you’ve both grown and changed.
The two points I liked best from this read were:
- Nicole Sbordone, licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) stated "If you find yourself thinking about an old friend and wanting to reconnect, then that's a sign to do it."
- Second is the point by life coach Desiree Weircyski when she says, there is nothing wrong with losing touch, and although there may be a lot of feelings about it, if someone has taken the time to reach out and you have time, why not meet up for coffee. She does warn that reconnecting may bring up old wounds and a sense of regret.
I’ll put a link to both articles on feistymemaids.com, and this is a perfect segway to my second story.
By now, I think you know I am a hopeless romantic… I once fell in love so deeply…
The relationship ended for many reasons, but it was the most wonderful and respectful relationship I had up until that moment in my life.
Almost a year had gone by since the breakup and I really missed him.
Our love was too strong and unique to have ended and I felt I needed to see him again.
I was doing a lot of work around healing and one of the exercises I was doing recommended reaching out.
I debated this for a long time. I did a list of pros and cons and what I would say.
I wrote my intentions to make sure I would not deviate from my purpose, which was to continue my healing and move towards my life purpose.
I messaged him and he responded within a few minutes.
We exchanged pleasantries and agreed to meet at a park within a few weeks.
I purposefully did not want to meet at my place or his, as too many memories would come up and I didn’t want to get wrapped up in the emotions.
We talked for hours. We laughed, we cried, he gave me a letter he wrote filled with love and he held me close.
He knew my heart and my soul better than anyone.
But our time apart had given us different life experiences and he’d made plans to make a fresh start in a new city. We took it day by day, reconnecting and sharing a beautiful and intense love.
I wasn’t expecting for him to change his plans of moving - after all I kind of popped into his life out of the blue and he wanted to explore the world. I loved him too much to hold him back.
In my mind, we could share a long distance relationship and see where life would take us. But he had different plans, and wanted to start fresh and completely unattached…
I understood, but it gutted me. I felt stupid for having reached out. I regretted getting back in touch. I was hurt and heartbroken…
But as they say, everything happens for a reason.
Of course I miss him and wish things could have been different. But as I often say in this podcast, we all have a journey.
For one, I know my love for him was so strong, that I would have made all kinds of sacrifices to make his dreams come true - and I would not be doing this or launched the Feisty Mermaids clothing line.
Looking back, reconnecting was not a mistake.
I was vulnerable and opened my heart in both situations and now I don’t have to wonder what if.
One person chose a life with me in it, the other one didn’t.
If you’ve been thinking about getting in touch with someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time, my advice is to reach out and be vulnerable.
You won’t know the outcome unless you take a step.
And so I will leave you with this quote, “People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.”
Thank you for listening. I’d love to hear your story about reconnecting. How did it go?
If you havent reached out, What are you afraid of?
Reach me on social media @fesitymermaids or website feistymermaids.com
See you next time
