Episode 7: Would You Speak To A Friend Like This?

Self-criticism is something we all do. The way we speak to ourselves is often harsh and mean, and we can agree that most of us would never speak to a friend like this. This episode explores the way we talk to ourselves and gives tips for overcoming self-criticism.

Transcript

Intro

My daughter gets frustrated easily. I notice when she does, she begins to use statements like, “I am not good at this” “I can’t do this” “I am a bad girl” “It’s OK if you don’t love me” and so on. She is so hard on herself. It’s like she continuously punishes herself for not being perfect or achieving a standard that is often in her head as all I ever ask is that she tries her best.

I suppose I do the same thing. If I make a mistake or a bad decision I will beat myself up endlessly. I say things like, “I should have seen the signs,” “I was stupid for getting into this relationship” or “I should have not spent so much money on this item.” 

This  negative self talk is not kind, and  leaves me feeling bad about myself. 

Story 1

I watched the movie “The Secret” one night and since I’ve read the “Secret of the Ages” by Robert Collier - both about attracting and manifesting what you want in your life. I learned about how our thoughts become self-fulfilling prophecies. 

There was one part of the movie where they ask you to make a conscious effort to monitor your thoughts and self talk. And when I started doing it, I was terrified at the number of negative thoughts I was having, many of them self deprecating. 

I was feeling like a failure. But you see, that is exactly it, I kept beating myself up. Apparently I am not the only one. The more people I talk to, the more I realize we all have these insecurities.

Research

As I often do, I looked at the research.

Negative self-talk can affect us in some pretty damaging ways. One study found that constantly thinking about something and self-blame over things that haven’t gone well in our lives were linked to an increased risk of mental health problems.1

They found that focusing on negative thoughts can lead to decreased motivation as well as greater feelings of helplessness. Ultimately, this critical inner voice has even been linked to depression.

They found that those who find themselves engaging in negative self-talk tend to be more stressed. This is in large part due to the fact that their reality is altered which can lead to a lowered ability to see opportunities.

Psychologist Ethan Kross of the University of Michigan, studied the pronouns people use when they talk to themselves silently. He found that talking to yourself and using the word "I" could stress you out instead of bringing on waves of self-love and acceptance.

http://selfcontrol.psych.lsa.umich.edu/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/KrossJ_Pers_Soc_Psychol2014Self-talk_as_a_regulatory_mechanism_How_you_do_it_matters.pdf

I notice that I use “I” statements when speaking negatively to myself. “I am not good at this” “I suck at this task” - I see this in my friends and also my daughter.

Story 2

I also noticed this when one of my followers commented on a photo I posted to create a promotion for the Feisty Mermaids clothing line. She said, “Now if I were only as skinny as you...” it made me sad because I want all mermaids to love their bodies and to embrace that we are all different shapes and at different points in our journeys toward self-love. But I have been where she is. 

After gaining 60 lbs while pregnant with my daughter I felt insecure, and I felt pressure to get back to my pre-baby weight ASAP. I would say things to myself like, “I am fat, I don’t fit into my clothes and I am really unhappy with myself” or “I have no excuse, I had this baby a month ago.” I worked out like crazy and completely limited my food intake. Nobody put this pressure on me, it was all my perception and a reality I created. My negative self talk made it worse. And it heightened the post partum depression I was going through. 

I was rejecting my body and punishing it instead of celebrating the fact that I made a human being. I wasn’t grateful for my health and that of my baby, instead I was unforgiving of the changes motherhood brought to my body.

Working on it:

1. Make a list of things you like about yourself
2. Start your day by saying nice things about yourself
3. Keep track of your negative self talk
   1. Reframe your thought
4. Be gentle with yourself, talk to yourself like you were talking to a friend
   1. Forgive yourself - “I made the best decision with the information I had”
   2. Stop comparing yourself - Comparison will leave you in fear
   3. Speak to yourself by using your name instead of “I”; I pretend I have Michelle Obama giving you pep talk, “Vanessa, you got this. Yes, it’s hard, but you got this”

“Talk to yourself like someone you love” Brene Brown