Episode 22: Insecurity in Love, Understanding the Human Heart

Love is the most profound and intricate emotion known to humanity, it has the power to uplift, inspire, and transform lives. Yet, amidst its brilliance, we often find a shadow lurking in the corners - insecurity. This baffling aspect of human nature has puzzled psychologists, philosophers, and poets alike for centuries. Today, we’ll delve into the underlying reasons behind why people are insecure in love and attempt to shed light on this complex emotional landscape. We will also look at ways in which you can take charge of your thoughts and feelings and combat these insecurities. 

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Mermaids embody the qualities we hold inside and are sometimes too afraid to show. They are feminine, brave, adventurous, sensual and have uncanny wisdom and intuition. Feisty Mermaids is a podcast and blog with stories of inspiration, relationships and community. Vanessa May shares her journey and those of her featured guests, in hopes you will feel inspired to take on the world even when you are too exhausted to find north.

Life is about lessons, belonging and authenticity. This mental health, well-being and relationships podcast is about knowing there is growth in every encounter, having the courage to live life on your own terms, creating a path where there isn't one, and knowing you are limitless.

Transcript

Episode 22: Insecurity in Love: Understanding the Human Heart

Intro

1. Hi, I am Vanessa May, host of Feisty Mermaids. This podcast is a place where we explore topics to help you unleash the power of the mermaid within. We talk about mental health, well-being, relationships and the roadblocks which often stop us from being limitless.
2. Today I want to talk about insecurities in love and romantic relationships - if you are listening to this podcast, you may be familiar with that feeling in a romantic relationship where you are driven to the edge with unhealthy thoughts and actions. 
3. Love is the most profound and intricate emotion known to humanity, it has the power to uplift, inspire, and transform lives. Yet, amidst its brilliance, we often find a shadow lurking in the corners - insecurity. This baffling aspect of human nature has puzzled psychologists, philosophers, and poets alike for centuries. Today, we’ll delve into the underlying reasons behind why people are insecure in love and attempt to shed light on this complex emotional landscape. We will also look at ways in which you can take charge of your thoughts and feelings and combat these insecurities. Join me, here on Feisty Mermaids.

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1. 
   Introducing Insecurities in Love
   
   

I was chatting with a friend recently and she shared a story of an acquaintance who on a frequent basis monitors and checks on her husband. Clearly there are some trust and control issues - at first I thought, this lady must be crazy! Not to mention she must have way too much time on her hands to keep detailed tabs on her spouse. But I started thinking about what lies beneath it all. And the word that jumped out at me was insecurity. 

The more I kept reflecting, the more I started feeling sorry for this lady because I too have been in relationships where I felt insecure about losing a partner, mostly because I didn't love myself and lacked the self confidence to fully trust my partner. I let my insecurities drive me to thinking and behaving in ways that simply made no sense.

I did some research and it turns out insecurities do in fact play a huge role in relationships. There are five ways in which insecurities can sabotage our love relationships and lead to toxic partnerships. I’ll talk about those in a second, but first let me share some research about what insecurities can do to our relationships. 

According to Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University in New York City, these behaviors can, in fact, drive your partner away.

She says, that in romantic relationships, insecurity can drive you to unhealthy thoughts and behaviors, which can include:

• Incessantly checking up on your partner if you’re not with them to determine their whereabouts
• Not trusting your partner to stay faithful to you and constantly worrying that they’re cheating on you
• Feeling jealous of all the other people in your partner’s life and resenting the other people they are close to
• Not taking your partner at their word and wanting to verify everything they tell you
• Feeling like your partner may break up with you at any time
• Fishing for compliments and validation to try and feel more secure2

Going back to the story my friend that I was sharing, it definitely sound like this acquaintance is struggling within securities. 

My research also indicated that there are five ways in which insecurities can hurt us in relationships. Let me list them first,  and then we will dive deeper into each one, followed by what we can do to combat each of these areas. Insecurities can play into…

1. Our fear of Rejection
2. Comparison and Self-Doubt
3. It can open up Childhood Wounds
4. Unrealistic Expectations in relationships
5. Lack of Self-Love

II. Exploring why we have insecurities in romantic relationships

So let’s explore each insecurity in more detail:

Fear of Rejection

Fear of Rejection

At the core of insecurity in love lies the ever-present fear of rejection. Humans are wired to seek acceptance and connection, and the idea of being unloved or abandoned can be deeply unsettling. Past experiences of heartbreak or betrayal can leave scars on our hearts, making us wary of letting our guard down and opening ourselves up to love once more. This fear of rejection can manifest as jealousy, possessiveness, and an overwhelming need for reassurance from our partners.

Fear of rejection in love relationships is a deeply rooted and universal emotion that stems from various psychological and evolutionary factors. Love is a vulnerable experience, and the fear of rejection can be a significant barrier to forming intimate connections with others. Here are some key reasons why people fear rejection in love relationships:

The Need for Connection: Human beings have a natural need for social connection and belonging. From an evolutionary perspective, being part of a group and forming close bonds with others ensured survival and protection. In the context of love relationships, rejection can trigger feelings of social exclusion and isolation, which are deeply distressing for people.

Emotional Vulnerability: Love requires emotional vulnerability, where we need to open our hearts and share our deepest feelings with another person. Fear of rejection arises from the vulnerability of exposing our innermost selves to the risk of being rejected, hurt, or abandoned. This fear intensifies if we’ve experienced past instances of rejection or heartbreak.

Self-Worth and Validation: Love relationships can become intertwined with a our sense of self-worth and identity. When someone rejects us romantically, it can feel like a personal judgment, leading to doubts about our attractiveness, desirability, or worthiness of love. Seeking validation from others can make rejection particularly painful and challenging to cope with.

Fear of Abandonment: For people with certain attachment styles, such as anxious or disorganized attachment, the fear of rejection is closely linked to the fear of abandonment. If we’ve experienced inconsistent caregiving or traumatic events during our childhood, it can lead to heightened sensitivity to potential rejection or loss in our adult relationships. I’ll discuss attachment styles more throughout the podcast.

(Uncertainty and Rejection Sensitivity:) The Fear of rejection is also associated with uncertainty in relationships, which can intensify this fear and create a cycle of anxious anticipation.

(Social and Cultural Factors): We also can’t discount how our Social and cultural norms play a role in shaping our fear of rejection. Society often places a significant emphasis on romantic relationships, and the fear of being single or not finding a suitable partner can add so much pressure and amplify the fear of rejection.

Past Experiences: And lastly, Previous experiences of rejection, particularly in romantic relationships, can leave lasting emotional imprints. When we’ve been hurt before, we develop defense mechanisms to protect ourselves from future rejection, such as avoiding emotional intimacy or commitment.

Comparison and Self-Doubt in Love Relationships: A Psychological Exploration

Let’s move on to the second way in which insecurities affect our love relationships.

Comparison and Self-Doubt

In the age of social media and relentless societal expectations, it's easy to fall into the trap of comparing our relationships to others. As we scroll through picture-perfect snapshots of  flawless love stories, we may start to doubt our own worth and the strength of our relationships. Insecurities may creep in, making us question whether we are truly deserving of love or if we measure up to the standards set by others.

Love relationships can be both rewarding and challenging, as they often bring to the surface our deepest emotions and vulnerabilities. Among the many factors influencing relationship dynamics, comparison and self-doubt play a significant role in shaping how wes perceive and experience romantic partnerships. The following research dives into the psychological aspects of comparison and self-doubt in love relationships and explores the impact on individuals and the relationship itself.

Social Comparison Theory

Let’s start with Social comparison theory, it was first proposed by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954, who suggested that people have a natural tendency to evaluate themselves by comparing their abilities, qualities, and attributes to those of others. In the context of love relationships, this theory can lead to self-doubt when individuals perceive their partners as having desirable qualities that they lack. For example, someone might feel insecure if they believe their partner's ex was more attractive, successful, or charismatic than they perceive themselves to be.

Next, let’s look at the Impact of Social Media

In the age of social media, where people carefully curate their lives online, the comparison becomes more pronounced and pervasive. Romantic partners may find themselves comparing their relationships to seemingly "perfect" couples displayed on social media platforms. The constant exposure to such idealized relationships can lead to feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and self-doubt, as many of us wonder if our own relationship measures up to these virtual standards.

I mentioned Attachment Styles earlier.

Attachment theory, which was developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, posits that early experiences with caregivers shape our attachment styles, affecting our future romantic relationships. Insecurely attached individuals may be more prone to comparison and self-doubt, as they struggle with trust and fear of rejection. They may also seek excessive reassurance and validation from their partners, perpetuating feelings of insecurity.

Another area to look at when we are talking about is Communication and Trust

Effective communication is paramount in addressing comparison and self-doubt within a relationship. Openly discussing feelings of insecurity can foster understanding and emotional support between partners. Trust-building exercises and transparency can also help in dispelling doubts and mitigating the impact of social comparison on the relationship.

Childhood Wounds

Childhood experiences play a profound and lasting role in shaping our emotional development and how we form and maintain love relationships in adulthood. The relationships we have with our caregivers and the environment we grow up in significantly influence our attachment styles, beliefs about love, and patterns of behavior in romantic partnerships. Here are some key ways in which childhood experiences impact our love relationships:

I spoke briefly about Attachment Styles: Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, highlights the importance of early attachments formed with primary caregivers (typically parents) in shaping our emotional and relational development. Based on these early experiences, people develop one of four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious (preoccupied), avoidant, or disorganized.

Let me give a brief overview of each, because we could do a whole podcast on this:

Secure Attachment: Individuals with secure attachment had consistent and responsive caregiving in childhood. They tend to have positive beliefs about themselves and others, feel comfortable with intimacy, and are capable of forming healthy and secure love relationships in adulthood.

Anxious Attachment: Children who experienced inconsistent caregiving or felt anxious about their caregivers' availability, are more likely to develop anxious attachment styles. As adults, they may crave constant reassurance, fear abandonment, and display clingy or demanding behaviors in their relationships.

Avoidant Attachment: Children who experienced emotionally distant or neglectful caregiving may develop avoidant attachment styles. As adults, they may struggle with emotional intimacy, maintain emotional distance, and avoid relying on others in times of need.

The last one of he for attachment styles, 

Disorganized Attachment: Children who experienced unpredictable or frightening caregiving can develop disorganized attachment styles. As adults, they may exhibit erratic and confused behaviors in their relationships, finding it challenging to create a stable and secure bond with their partners.

Another way our childhood wounds play into insecurities in love is via our 

Role Models: The love relationships we observe between our parents or caregivers serve as models for our own romantic relationships. If we witnessed healthy and loving relationships during our formative years, we may have positive role models to emulate in our adult relationships. Conversely, exposure to toxic or dysfunctional relationships can lead to repeating negative patterns or struggling to form healthy connections with partners.

Next, I let’s talk about Emotional Regulation: Childhood experiences significantly impact our emotional regulation skills. If we were taught how to identify and manage emotions in a healthy way, we are better equipped to navigate conflicts and challenges in our love relationships. However, people who experienced emotional neglect or were taught unhealthy coping mechanisms may struggle to communicate effectively and manage emotions in their adult relationships.

Lastly our childhood wounds are rooted in our Core Beliefs about Love: Childhood experiences influence our beliefs about love, worthiness, and whether love is safe and reliable. Positive early experiences often foster the belief that love is nurturing and secure. In contrast, negative experiences can lead to beliefs that love is conditional, unattainable, or dangerous. These core beliefs significantly influence our expectations and behavior in adult love relationships.

This is a good segway to the fourth way in which insecurities can sabotage our relationships, and it is by having:

Unrealistic Expectations

Unrealistic expectations in love relationships are beliefs and ideals that go beyond what is reasonable or attainable in a real-life partnership. These expectations often stem from societal influences, media portrayals of love, and personal desires. While it's natural to have certain expectations in a relationship, unrealistic ones can lead to disappointment, frustration, and strain on the partnership. Here are 8 of the most common unrealistic expectations in love relationships:

1. Constant Romance and Passion: Many people expect that love should always be filled with grand romantic gestures, intense passion, and constant excitement. While these elements are essential in a relationship, it's unrealistic to expect them to be present all the time. Relationships have ups and downs, and the intensity of the initial honeymoon phase may naturally evolve over time.
2. Solving All Problems: Unrealistic expectations may include the belief that a partner should be able to solve all of their significant life issues or provide constant emotional support. While support is crucial, it's important to recognize that no one person can be the sole solution to all challenges and that both partners have limitations.
3. Perfect Partner: Some people hold a belief that their partner should be flawless, without any faults or shortcomings. This expectation ignores the reality that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and it's essential to accept and appreciate the imperfections in a partner.
4. Mind-Reading Abilities: Often, people assume that their partner should intuitively understand their needs, desires, and emotions without explicit communication. Expecting a partner to read minds is unrealistic and can lead to miscommunication and unmet needs.
5. Unconditional Agreement: Unrealistic expectations might involve assuming that couples should agree on everything and have identical interests and opinions. In reality, healthy relationships involve respect for individual differences and the ability to navigate disagreements with understanding and compromise.
6. Infinite Happiness: Some people believe that being in a loving relationship should automatically bring everlasting happiness and fulfill all their desires. However, happiness is a complex emotion influenced by various factors, and it's unrealistic to expect a relationship to be the sole source of perpetual joy.
7. Complete Fulfillment: Unrealistic expectations may include the belief that a partner should fulfill every aspect of a person's life, from emotional support to social life and hobbies. In reality, we should all maintain a sense of individuality and have a fulfilling life outside the relationship.
8. No Need for Effort: Unrealistic expectations might lead some people to believe that once they find the "right" person, the relationship will require no effort, and everything will fall into place effortlessly. In truth, successful relationships require continuous effort, communication, and commitment from both partners.

So far, we’ve talked about how insecurities can plague our romantic relationships by creating a fear of rejection, creating comparison and self-doubt, opening childhood wounds and creating unrealistic expectations. The fifth element we will look at is Self-love.

Self- Love

Self-love is crucial in romantic relationships because it forms the foundation for a healthy and fulfilling partnership. When individuals practice self-love and have a positive relationship with themselves, it positively impacts their interactions with their partners and the overall dynamic of the relationship. Research has shown that individuals with higher levels of self-love and self-acceptance tend to have more satisfying and secure relationships. When people have a healthy sense of self-worth, they are less likely to engage in destructive behaviors and are more resilient in the face of perceived threats to the relationship.

Let’s talk about some reasons why self-love is important in romantic relationships:

Emotional Well-being: Self-love fosters emotional well-being and inner contentment. When people have a strong sense of self-worth and self-compassion, they are less likely to seek validation and fulfillment solely from their partners. This emotional stability allows them to approach the relationship with a balanced perspective, reducing the likelihood of emotional dependency or neediness.

Boundaries and Respect: Self-love empowers us to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in our relationships. We are more likely to recognize and communicate our needs, desires, and limits effectively. By respecting our own boundaries, we also encourage our partners to respect them, fostering a more balanced and respectful partnership.

(Communication and Conflict Resolution): We talked about communication earlier, and People who practice self-love are more likely to engage in open and honest communication with their partners. They feel more secure in expressing their feelings, needs, and concerns, which enhances the ability to resolve conflicts in a constructive way. Effective communication is essential for building trust and understanding in a relationship.

(Reduced Insecurity and Jealousy): Self-love helps reduce the feelings of insecurity and jealousy. When people have a positive self-image, they are less likely to compare themselves to others or feel threatened by external factors in the relationship. This leads to increased trust and a more secure bond with their partners.

(Emotional Support): By Practicing self-love we are able to meet our emotional needs independently. This relieves pressure on our partners to be the sole source of emotional support, which in turn creates a more balanced and less emotionally burdensome relationship.

(Empathy and Understanding): Self-love also fosters empathy and understanding, both towards ourselves and our partners. When we are kinder to ourselves, we are more inclined to show compassion and understanding to our partners during difficult times, and this cultivates a nurturing and supportive environment.

(Personal Growth and Independence): Self-love encourages personal growth and individual pursuits outside the relationship. When people are confident in their own interests and aspirations, it enriches their experiences and strengthens their sense of self, making them more valuable and interesting partners.

In summary, we’ve talked about the five ways in which insecurities can hurt our romantic relationships. To recap:

1. Our fear of Rejection
2. Comparison and Self-Doubt
3. It can open up Childhood Wounds
4. Unrealistic Expectations in relationships
5. Lack of Self-Love

III. In this next section, we will talk about practical things we can do to become more insecure in our love relationships 

Becoming more secure in romantic relationships is a journey of self-awareness, personal growth, and open communication. Here are some practical tips to help you cultivate security and strengthen your bond with your partner:

1. Recognize Your Attachment Style: Gain an understanding of your attachment style and how it influences your behaviors and emotions in relationships. If you identify as having an anxious or avoidant attachment style, explore the underlying reasons for these patterns and how they impact your interactions with your partner.
2. Practice Self-Love: Prioritize self-love and self-compassion. Nurture a positive relationship with yourself by acknowledging your strengths, accepting your imperfections, and engaging in self-care activities that promote emotional well-being.
3. Improve Communication: Cultivate open and honest communication with your partner. Share your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly, and encourage your partner to do the same. Clear and transparent communication builds trust and emotional intimacy in the relationship.
4. Set Healthy Boundaries: Establish and communicate your boundaries to ensure your needs are met and respected in the relationship. Respect your partner's boundaries as well, fostering a balanced and respectful dynamic.
5. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Identify and challenge negative thought patterns and insecurities. Practice self-talk that reinforces your self-worth and reminds you of the positive aspects of the relationship.
6. Develop Trust: Work on building trust with your partner by being reliable, consistent, and honoring your commitments. Trust is the foundation of a secure relationship, and it develops over time through consistent actions.
7. Address Past Wounds: If past experiences contribute to your insecurities, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor to address and heal these wounds. Healing from past hurts can positively impact your current relationship.
8. Focus on the Present and the Postive: Avoid bringing past relationship baggage into your current partnership. Each relationship is unique, and approaching it with an open mind allows for a fresh start and a chance to build a more secure bond. Focus on the positive aspects of the relationship and express gratitude for your partner's efforts and qualities. Expressing appreciation strengthens the emotional connection and fosters a sense of security.
9. Encourage Interdependence: Embrace the idea that both partners can have their own lives, interests, and friendships outside the relationship. Encourage interdependence, where each partner supports and encourages the other's personal growth and autonomy.
10. Seek Couples Therapy: If you and your partner face challenges in becoming more secure, consider couples therapy. A trained therapist can help facilitate open communication, address underlying issues, and guide you both toward a healthier and more secure relationship.

Remember, becoming more secure in a romantic relationship is a process that requires patience, effort, and understanding. By actively acknowledging your insecurities and the role they play in your relationship, you are working on yourself and the relationship, thus you can foster a deeper and more fulfilling connection with your partner.

We covered a lot of ground today. I’ll leave you with this quote:

“Sometimes the worst place you can be in, is in your head”

Thank you for being here. I’ll see you next time.