Hi and welcome to Feisty Mermaids, if you are joining us for the first time, this is a place where we explore topics to help you unleash the power of the mermaid within. We talk about life, self-love, mindfulness, relationships and the roadblocks which often stop us from being limitless.
In today’s topic we are going to talk about pleasing others. I often find myself in relationships where I feel like a happy Golden Retriever, and I will do anything to make people around me feel happy and for them to like me. This is good if you are a dog, but I’ve realized there is a difference between being kind and caregiving and people pleasing. I’ve learned that people pleasing is much deeper, and today I’ll share with you ways to identify if you are people pleasing and seven steps to get you out of that mode and start putting yourself first.
Join me as we talk about creating a balanced life where putting your needs and feelings first will get you on the path to being limitless - here on Feisty Mermaids!
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I laugh at the fact that I’ve managed to compare myself to my Golden Retriever. But the more I observe her friendliness and eagerness to please, I realize that for much of my life I was like a pet seeking the approval and love of those around me.
I would pay close attention to the mood in a room or person and assess how I needed to act and what I needed to say to be liked. I do realize that you catch more bees with honey, but this was different, it was about receiving approval at the highest level with every interaction I got. I noticed that unless I received praise and positive feedback, I felt uncomfortable, like I wasn’t welcomed or accepted, really that I was being rejected.
So what is a people pleaser? I looked at various definitions and I kind of stitched this one together based on what I read:
A people pleaser is someone who tries hard to make others happy. They will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time or resources away from them. It is a process of guessing what other people want, or what will make them think favorably of us, and then acting accordingly. People pleasing is often subtle and usually an unconscious attempt at manipulating other people’s perceptions of us.
Not sure about you, but I feel there is a lot to unpack in that paragraph.
As I’ve been on this journey of self discovery, I realized a very distinct pattern where especially in romantic relationships, I was acting like a Golden Retriever. I am naturally a curious person and like to try new things, but I could see a cycle where for example I began to do more of the things my partner liked to do.
I had a partner who was really into cycling. And he began taking me to some of the races. They were fun and this was new for me. But over the years all the trips and vacations we took centered around attending races both in the US and in Europe. As we planned our vacation calendars these types of holidays took over more and more.
One particular year I raised the issue, stating that we had attended the same race for three years in a row. I liked the event, the only problem was that the race fell on my birthday weekend every year and I wanted a relaxing beach vacation instead. He didn’t like the beach and didn’t want to plan something other than the things he was into.
This carried on as the relationship progressed. I often gave into his requests because I did not want to start a fight, or I thought, if I do this one thing, maybe he will finally be happy. This escalated to the point that I worked myself at an intense pace in order to meet his material desires - again thinking it would make him happy. I even purchased a 4,000 square foot home, which was lovely, but not at all what I wanted or reflected the person I am. I did it all for him, because I thought it was my job to make him happy, I wanted his approval and love but in the process I nearly lost myself.
As I dove into the research of people pleasing, I found that people pleasing is often a symptom of a deeper issue connected to insecurities and a lack of self-esteem.
There are three theories as to why people develop these people pleasing tendencies. I’ve discovered is that it is in some sort of way, a defense mechanism - at least for me:
- Trauma - We may sometimes be fearful of a person and thus realize it is better/safer to do what other people need.
- Self-esteem, often people pleasing is much deeper and can stem from issues resulting from the relationships we developed during our early years with caregivers
- Fear of rejection, where we see love and approval dependent on our behavior and we realize quickly it was best to behave in a certain way in order to keep them happy
So how can you tell the difference between being a people pleaser or simply being nice and wanting to do nice things for others? There are many online quizzes you can take which give you a scale and show you where you fall in the spectrum. I’ll add a link to my blog at FeistyMermaids.com.
In addition, here is a checklist from an article in Psychology Today. I will also post the link on my blog. So, while I read the list, I’l like for you to make a mental note of any of the statements you identify with:
People Pleaser checklist:
- You pretend to agree with everyone
- You can’t say no
- You feel responsible for how other people feel
- You apologize often
- You feel burdened by the things you have to do for others
- You’re uncomfortable when someone is angry at you
- You act like the people around you
- You need praise to feel good
- You go to great lengths to avoid conflict
- You don’t admit when your feelings are hurt
By simply looking at that list, we can see that people pleasing is a symptom of something bigger and deeper. I think there is a danger that comes when we don’t understand and accept that we are people pleasing. In some of the articles I read, it said that:
People pleasing can lead to allowing yourself to be bullied, it can lead to avoiding confrontation and thus not standing up for yourself, and can potentially lead to mental health issues by not processing your feelings.
In my experience, being a people pleaser will attract toxic people and relationships into your life. In some of the research I’ve read, people pleasers are also referred to as “co-dependent” - meaning your relation to self is defined by other people, it is a loss of self and your world revolves around taking care of the needs of others.
Codependency experts say the need to please is actually rooted in a need to belong- which is a basic human need. In my first podcast, I talked about authenticity and how we want to experience a sense of belonging. We fear being rejected or criticized, and fear being alone - because being alone means we may be inadequate and not worthy of being loved. So we go to extremes to please others and avoid these feelings, and to feel like we belong.
In future episodes of the Feisty Mermaids podcast I will talk more about codependency. I will also do an episode on why narcissists attract codependent people, a topic I unfortunately know all too well.
If we go back to the story I was sharing at the beginning of this episode, I have seen cycles of attracting toxic partners into my life. There was an expectation that I should take care of their needs and wants, and that it was my job to make them happy. By becoming aware of my people pleasing tendencies, I can now set boundaries and examine my actions and intentions. I make it a point to think about what I want and what makes me happy. After all, it is easy for people pleasers to confuse pleasing with being kind or caregiving.
If you can identify with being a people pleaser, here are seven tips that have helped me:
- I add a pause or delay before responding; “Let me get back to you”
- I’ve started saying no - I began with small things; Using firm statements - “I can’t” vs. “I don’t” - you open door to questions and explanations
- What is my ‘North’ - if it doesn’t help me reach a goal or life purpose I don’t give it my time and attention. I talked about this topic in episode 13.
- Examine the company I keep - toxic people will take your time and energy and sucker you into something you don't want to do or feel; I recommend Podcast 6 where I talk about this topic as well.
- Stop apologizing - There is a time for apologies, but not meeting the needs and feelings of someone else isn’t a reason.
- I rely on internal validation, not external - I used to seek approval and praise for almost everything I did from others, now I rely on myself - my intuition and my knowledge.
- Remind myself that I’m not a golden retriever - I can’t make everyone happy or please everyone
I’d love to hear from you and any stories you can share about how you or someone you know is working to overcome people pleasing tendencies. You can reach me on social media @FeistyMermaids on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and YouTube. Don’t forget to visit and subscribe to my website for the latest blogs, podcasts and clothes at feistymermaids.com
For now, I will leave you with this quote:
“Don’t be afraid to lose people. Be afraid of losing yourself by trying to please everyone around you.”
Thank you for being here. See you next time.