Episode 12: Living Up To Everyone's Expectations

Oh, the disappointment, guilt and pressures that come with expectations... In this episode we explore the expectations we place on ourselves and others.

Life is full of amazing lessons if you are open to them. In this self-love, betterment and relationship podcast you will find stories of inspiration, relationships and community. I hope that as you share in my journey and those of my featured guests, you will feel inspired to take on the world even when you are too exhausted to find north. Life is about lessons, belonging and authenticity. The best self improvement podcast is about knowing there is growth in every encounter, having the courage to live life on your own terms, creating a path where there isn't one, and knowing you are limitless.

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Transcript

Hi and welcome to Feisty Mermaids, if you are joining us for the first time, this is a place where we explore topics to help you unleash the power of the mermaid within. We talk about self-love, relationships and the roadblocks which often stop us from becoming limitless.

In today’s topic we are going to talk about expectations. Expectations have been called the greatest thief to happiness. From expecting to get flowers on your birthday to the expectations we place on our loved ones - without a doubt disappointment will follow when our uncommunicated desires go unfulfilled.

Join me as we talk about expectations and the unrealistic burdens we often place on ourselves and others - here on Feisty Mermaids!

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I recently read the Charles Dickens novel, Great Expectations, to my daughter. It was a child’s version of the original and everytime I read it, it always leaves me thinking. There are so many things we expect in life, and ultimately they become our greatest disappointments.

I want to talk about two types of expectations today. Those people place on us, and those we place on others.

So let’s first talk about the expectations others place on us.

I’ve lived my life trying to meet the expectations of others. Sometimes I hit the mark, mostly at work, but in my personal relationships it’s usually a mixed bag of my partners disappointing me and vice versa. I often feel it very deeply when I don’t meet expectations and I become very critical of myself.

As a child to a Fillipino father, even with a successful career, a master’s degree with honors and multiple awards, I often feel I still don’t meet his expectations. I am sure I do, and I am sure he is extremely proud of me. But the unstated expectation in my culture is that you become a doctor or a lawyer and that you’ll be rich.

I think it’s reasonable for parents to want their children to do well. I would say most parents want their kids to be independent and successful adults. 

I was having a conversation with an attorney friend. She specializes in probate, wills and family estate. In the conversation I mentioned the fact that I should probably draft up a will and I was asking how people typically allocate funds. We started on the topic of higher education and she said it is wise to specify how money can be used. To which I replied, “college or university of course!” She said, “What if your daughter wants to go to a trade school, become a plumber or a beautician?”

I paused not wanting to be rude. But in my head I thought, “not a chance in hell! My kid is going to college even if I am dead!” My friend looked at me as if she was reading my thoughts and said, “you want her to be happy, don’t you?” to which I replied, “of course!,” and she responded, “Then set aside any expectations of who you think she should become.”  

How’s that for a humbling conversation.  

Weeks went by and I thought about her comments. Of course I want my daughter to be happy. But I’ve been wired and brainwashed since I was a young kid to get a higher education, to reach for more. Even now, my dad constantly asks me when I am going to start a Ph. D. program. 

But my friend was right, I need to let go of the expectations that my child should attend college. It is her life and when the time comes for her to make that decision, she will choose her path, and I will be there to support her, even if it is a career I don’t understand or don’t want her to follow.

I reflected on my dad’s expectations. And I thought about his path. He is one of 10 children, all of them have a higher education, a few are doctors and I believe all of them have a Master’s degree. But none of them got to pick their career, their father, so my grandfather, made the choices for them.  

My dad was selected to go into business and was told to study accounting. It was only a few years ago that he shared with me that he actually wanted to be a doctor, he wanted to be a surgeon. I know he would have been a great surgeon. 

I wonder if my grandfather’s expectations robbed my dad of his happiness and possibly his life purpose...

Researchers suggest that expectations can rob you of happiness. An Australian firm, Human Psychology, suggests that expectations become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and that our expectations shape our reality - thus we end up viewing life with a filter for how things ought to be instead of how they really are.

Other psychology experts say that, “The choices humans make are based on the expectations they hold for how their decisions will affect them and the world around them in the future.” They add that, “Expectations affect how people feel, including attitudes, anxiety, and depression.”

I think that is powerful. 

Think about how you felt when someone didn’t meet your expectations. 

One of the expectations I’ve always had is for a partner to attend weddings and family events with me. When they’ve refused to attend, I’ve felt extremely hurt and rejected. I wonder if removing the expectation and having a sense of grounding in the first place would change these feelings I got - and eliminate senseless arguments. 

Think about it, how many fights have you had in a romantic relationship because of expectations?

I think we’d be here for a while if I recounted them all…

In my world, I have expectations for how I want to be loved. I think we all do. But what often happens when your expectations are not met, is that you start trying to change and mold the person you are with into becoming the person you want them to be. 

If you go back to my first podcast, I talked about being authentic. And when you are in a relationship filled with expectations and each person is trying to shape the other into the “ideal partner” you can be certain that conflict will arise and the expectations will give way to disappointment, leading to feelings of hurt, followed by  the use of defense mechanisms like anger, withdrawal, rejection...

I can tell you I’ve ended many relationships because I perceived that my expectations were not met. I often felt disappointed and my defense was to run. To run quickly and as far as possible. 

I’ve also pushed away partners because of my expectations. I’ve had unrealistic expectations because of what I see in romance movies and the perfectly curated love stories I see on social media.

For a long time I was anxious because as a single mom, my holiday and family portraits didn’t look like those of my friends, and I felt the expectation to create a perfect family with a new partner.

So how do we stop the cycle of unrealistic expectations, I’ll put these on my blog at FeistyMermaids.com, but here are a five things I’ve learned though my readings and life experience:

• The antidote to expectations is to practice gratitude - I often talk about gratitude and it is one of the main topics I focus on while doing meditation. Instead of expecting, I focus on being thankful.
• Learn to see things for what they are, instead of what you think they should be
• Ask yourself what are your expectations of a situation or a person - by simply asking yourself this question it puts you in check.
• Remind yourself that what you see on social media is not always real - when is the last time you posted a picture of yourself depressed sitting on a dirty couch, with your hair a mess, stuffing your mouth with chocolate with the caption, “feeling really hurt and angry today because they guy I was supposed to have a date with stood me up”? We all post our best moments.. Not the vulnerable and courageous ones.
• Be kind and gentle to yourself when you feel disappointed when something didn’t meet your expectations

So what about you? How have you managed expectations? Let me know! Connect with me on social media @FeistyMermaids on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Don’t forget to visit and subscribe to my website for the latest blogs, podcasts and clothes at feistymermaids.com

I will leave you with this quote:

“Expectations feed frustration. They are an unhealthy attachment to people, things and outcomes we wish we could control; but can’t.”

Thank you for being here. See you next time.